She had dumps like a truck

I like to present myself as a cultured, mature, intelligent, and rational individual. I try to speak well and look grown up. All the professionalism that I display at work is hard to maintain once I hit the parking lot.

The top ten things that keep me connected to my suburban white girl roots:

10. Cosmopolitan:

Yes, I have a bookshelf that holds 3 years' worth of Cosmos. I started buying cosmo after I moved into my first apartment. My mother would be horrified to see the issues that I have collected over time. (Once she found a book titled "Why Men Love Bitches" in my possession and it quickly ended up in the trash.) I don't read Cosmo for the sex tips. In fact I usually flip to those after I've pored over the new beauty tips, real life stories, and sexy vs. skanky column. I don't really think anything in this magazine should be taken too seriously, but it is an excellent deflating tool.

9. Greek:

Greek is my shame show. I can't help it. I am so completely enamored with the campus of Cyprus Rhodes University. I need to know if Casey will choose Cappie or Evan, or Max. (Although last we saw, Max and Casey were going their seperate ways). I need to know how stereotypical conservative backwoods Dale and ultra cool jock/gay Calvin will ever get along, and I am pulling for Rebecca to go back to being a bitch. I've never wanted to "go greek" but I love the Zeta Betas and the Kappa Taus.

8. Pop-Country:


I hate legitimate country music. I tend to change the channel as soon as I hear the twangy voices of Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, and Hank Jr. The "steel guitar" doesn't get me all hot and bothered, but as soon as Kenny Chesney's "Young" comes on, or Taylor Swift/Brad Paisley/Carrie Underwood/Rascal Flatts filters through my speakers, I have it cranked to an obscene volume and suddenly I am prepared for the "Grand Ole Opery".

7. Not-quite-designer shoes:

One of my best friends used to work at Aldo shoes. She got 50% off. This means I got 50% off when I gave her cash. Amongst the shelf of Aldos in my closet, sit bcbg, guess, diesel, and a few others. I don't know that I will ever have the cash for Minolos, louboutins, or Jimmy Choos, but thats okay. I'm content with my mall shoes.

6. The ultra-trendy hipster church:


Most Sundays you will find me amidst hundreds of other church goers in the grey plastic seats at Mars Hill Bible Church. They play instrumental versions of Arcade Fire and Coldplay before the services. They distribute trendy bumper stickers with messages like "God is Green" and "Love Wins." (However, I believe that this "large" "impersonal" church has more substance than the traditional bible church in which I grew up.)

5. Make up:
So my vanity is littered with enough make up to make the cast of Cats jealous (in shades that would make drag queens blush). You never know when shimmery teal shadow or burgundy mascara will come in handy (although I can't see that happening at the same time). The fact that I can sit with my magnifying mirror in one hand and my eye liner in the other for an hour should be raising some red flags. But really, perhaps I just enjoy a good trial run.

4. eXtreme Tanning:


That would be the name of the place where I pay $25 bucks for 200 minutes of tanning. I go there, lay in a metal box full of light bulbs for 12 minutes a couple of times a week. I have decided that everything causes cancer. By the time I'm forty, face lifts will be routine procedures, and I will not be nearly as leathery as 75% of the girls I graduated with from high school. Therefore, it is okay for me to do this. I wear my goggles.

3. Millenium:


Not only do I own this album, but I still pull it out every now and then. Yes BSB, you will always be in my heart (or at least, let me show you the shape of my heart). In addition to BSB, I have my fair share of NSYNC, BBMak, 98 degrees, and O-Town. I came of age during the boy band era. While their faces no longer decorate my locker, I simply cannot abandon the boys who professed their love for me during my formative years.

2. GVSU rec:



Rather than walk out my front door and go for a jog, I drive the fifteen minutes to the GVSU campus to spend a half hour on the eliptical and a half hour on the bike. I am too prissy to work out in public where people drive by and see that I am getting sweaty and having trouble breathing.

1. Drink of Choice:

A friend once told me that vodka-sodas are the "healthiest" alcoholic beverage you can order (they have the fewest calories). They are an acquired taste and I feel like an old man when I order them, but I don't feel as guilty after putting away three of these as opposed to three Amaretto sours or Jack and Cokes. Being a "calorie conscious" booze hound is such a contradiction, and if I were really going for nutrition, I wouldn't be ordering the loaded potato skinz or nachos at the bar.


Don't judge me too harshly on my secret prissiness, I usually keep it hidden. I'd better go pop in the Decemberists and put on some home made jewelry before I completely slip into barbie land.